How to Avoid the Dangers of Storm Chasing

With all of the recent tornado fatalities, many people have expressed concern about my storm chasing activities. In a previous post, I described the dangers of severe thunderstorm chasing. In this post, I provide methods that chasers can use to mitigate those dangers. This post is the fifth in a six-part series on storm chasing that began with showing the joys of storm chasing. The intended audience for this series is non-chasers who are interested chasing themselves, or simply interested in how chasing works.

First and foremost, avoiding chasing dangers requires up-to-date equipment in the chase vehicle. Radar data on a mounted PC laptop will enable you to identify the precipitation of the storm and the likely places for a tornado. The Storm Protection Center on the web can tell you if a storm is severe, and therefore has a hail core. 3G service (right now Verizon is clearly the best), with GR Level 3, will give you the ability to see all these things, but in the case where the reception goes out, a satellite weather data receiver, like Baron’s Mobile Threat Net (MTN), is essential. All of this equipment will give you a view of the storms, so you can avoid its dangers.

Redundant cell phones and a C.B. radio can help communicate to the outside world when in danger. A weather radio is advisable.

Here are some ways to avoid the following chase dangers:

Lightning: The best way to avoid lightning is to stay in your vehicle, an effective shield. When outside your vehicle ALWAYS stay close to the vehicle. Your vehicle is your means of escape should “C.G.” (meaning cloud-to-ground lightning) or any other threat present itself. When outside the vehicle, everyone should be on the lookout for C.G. When the lightning is too close, get back in the vehicle. Distance of lightning can be approximated by counting the time from when the lightning appears and when its thunder is heard. Approximately every 5 seconds is a mile.

Hail: Know where a hail core is. The SPC or MTN can tell you if a storm has a hail core and how large the stones are, and the deepest color on the radar will tell you where it is. Make sure you do not place yourself in the path of the hail core. Sometimes experienced chasers will “punch the core” in order to emerge with the best view of a tornado. I do not recommend doing this unless 1) you are a VERY experienced chaser, and 2) understand the damage it will do to your vehicle.

Downed power lines: When you see a downed power line, RUN AWAY, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200. JUST GO. BE HAPPY YOU SAW WHAT YOU SAW AND GO THE F**K HOME.

Stranded: Always make sure your vehicle is in top working order. Replace parts proactively. Have a full-sized spare tire. Run-flats are good. Make sure you always fill up the tank just prior to a chasing session. Have more than one cell phone. Have a C.B. in working order. Carry extra parts that are small, like batteries. Bring jumper cables, flashlights, a first aid kit, water to drink. You get the picture.

Flash Flooding: Pay attention to flash flood watches and warnings from SPC. If there’s a warning, don’t chase, be happy with what you’ve seen already. When under a watch, it’s advisable not to drive into an area that can be thought of as the bottom of a crevasse.

Straight-line winds: This is hard to avoid, but, luckily, it’s not a major threat. Listen for reports of straight-line wind damage, and avoid areas where you see trees under a lot of distress.

Automobile accidents: On long stretches, avoid fatigue just like with any long-distance driving. Try to not have the same person drive all day and then drive the chase. While chasing, CALM DOWN, stay alert, and pay attention to the road. The driver just doesn’t get to see as much as the rest of the passengers. Deal with it.

Tornadoes: Your weather radar and satellite data will tell you the direction a storm is moving in. The best place to view a tornado is directly south of the storm. Most storms travel east or northeast, but not always. Remember that some storms, especially the strong ones, can make a “right turn” which changes the direction of travel usually from northeast to east. When a tornado is heading in your direction, you need to judge if you can get out of the way in time. If you can’t, then pull over and exit the vehicle. Find a ditch or some depression in the ground and lie down, shielding your head with your hands and arms. This will help prevent injury from flying debris.

Rain-wrapped tornadoes: Be well-schooled in determining where a rain-wrapped tornado is. Even experts are never quite sure. Your radar and satellite data will help a lot with this. Many times, the rain will surround the tornado in three directions, viewable from a fourth direction. This is called a notch. Avoid the temptation to view the tornado from there unless you have a well thought-out escape route.

Lack of visibility: Tornadoes should be kept in visual range, unblocked by buildings, trees, hills and rain. Have an escape route in mind, aware of the road network of the area you are in.

Losing your data signal: If you rely only on 3G for your chasing, you run the risk of becoming "blind" when you lose the signal. Supplement this with a satellite-based receiver, like MTN.

Next post: What to do for your first storm chase

The Dangers of Storm Chasing

So you’re curious about storm chasing?

With all of the recent tornado fatalities, many people have expressed concern about my storm chasing activities. In this post, I will describe the dangers of chasing severe storms. It is the fourth of a series of six posts on storm chasing that began with a post on the joys of storm chasing. The intended audience for this series is non-chasers who are interested chasing themselves, or simply interested in how chasing works.

Let me first say that I am touched by the concern. Truth be told, I am a little concerned myself; a lack of concern, with anything dangerous, will lead to mistakes. And, yes, storm chasing is dangerous. I reassure my family members that no one has ever died while storm chasing.--you can’t say that about sky diving, bungee jumping, rock climbing, scuba diving, swimming in the ocean, or even swimming in a pool. But that fact does not mean chasing doesn’t have its dangers, dangers that must be respected when storm chasing, dangers that are avoided precisely because of mitigating measures.

Here are some of the most important dangers of storm chasing:

Lightning: Lightning perhaps poses the greatest storm chasing danger. All severe thunderstorms have lightning in abundance. Lightning poses such a high risk that storm chasers rarely use the term “lightning” but instead use the terms “C.G.” (meaning cloud-to-ground lightning) and “I.C.” (meaning intra-cloud lightning). As you would expect, “C.G.” can be deadly, and “I.C.” is not. Storm chasers will call out “C.G.” to signal photo possibilities, but also to warn others in their group that dangerous lightning is within visual range.

Hail: By definition, all severe thunderstorms contain at least quarter-sized hail in their cores. But hail can be golf-ball-sized, baseball-sized, softball-sized or even larger. Getting hit with hail can be injurious—anything from a sharp sting to severe head trauma, causing death. Of course, it can damage your vehicle as well.
Downed power lines: Downed power lines can result from high straight-line winds or tornadoes. Once the weather has passed, the downed power lines don’t go away and represent the threat of electrocution, both at the line itself or in surrounding conducting material (like water from rains).

Stranded: To be stranded while chasing is really bad. Think about it. You’re near a severe storm, but you have no way to avoid what the storm has got in store for you. You could be hit by severe hail or a tornado. Flat tires, faulty batteries, lack of gas, all of these things can place you on the side of the road, many times a rural dirt road with minimal patrols, if any.

Flash Flooding: Severe thunderstorms include a lot of torrential rain it their cores, potentially flooding low-lying channels (like between two hills), intensifying the speed of flow.

Straight-line winds: Rear-flank downdraft and other strong winds are extremely common with severe thunderstorms. I have experienced winds in excess of 60 mph, winds that can knock down tree limbs or uproot trees altogether, though, thankfully, the winds I experienced were on the flat plains with no trees nearby.

Automobile accidents: When you’re chasing a severe thunderstorm you really are *chasing*. This can cause vehicular accidents, especially with a mix of chasers and freaked out locals. In addition, when you are chasing, you will spend several hours each day driving on federal and state highways. It is dangerous to drive for a long period of time, causing fatigue that will affect driving alertness once the chase has started late in the day.

Tornadoes: Although not as much a threat as you might think, tornadoes themselves are dangerous, as we all know from the news lately. While chasers have many ways to avoid tornadoes (I’ll address that in a later post), the truth is they can get caught in the wrong place at the wrong time just like anybody else. The chance of this happening greatly increase when the tornado is not easily seen (due to buildings, trees, hills, etc.), or weather equipment fails.

Rain-wrapped tornadoes: Particularly dangerous are tornadoes that become “rain-wrapped”—surrounded by a curtain of rain such that they cannot be seen. Special measures need to be taken to avoid these tornadoes in this case.

Lack of visibility: Obstructions such as buildings, trees and hills can add danger, because avoidance of tornadoes can rely on visual surveillance. Thus, chasing in towns, forests, or hilly terrain presents a real danger. But a greater danger is chasing at night, visibility only available from lightning flashes. Fortunately, all of these storms have lightning, but some more than others.

Losing your data signal: If you rely only on 3G for your chasing, you run the risk of becoming "blind" when you lose the signal. A rain-wrapped tornado and/or lack of visibility will compound the problem enormously.

Next post: How to avoid storm chasing dangers

When and Where to Storm Chase

People are constantly asking me where and when I’m going for storm chasing. The answer is “where the storms are,” but that’s not very satisfying. Therefore, I do the best I can to answer in detail without taking up too much time, but, really, I could spend a lot of time explaining where and when we chase. This post is a short description of where chasers chase, when they chase, and how they decide where and when to chase. It is the third of a series of six posts on storm chasing that began with a post on the joys of storm chasing. The intended audience for this series is non-chasers who are interested in chasing or how chasing works. Right after this series of posts, I will launch into a day-to-day blog on my storm chase next week.

The short answer, to where and when chasers SHOULD chase, is primarily Tornado Alley during tornado season. Tornado Alley is the U.S. and Canada Great Plains bordered on the west by the Rocky Mountains, the east by the Mississipi River, the south by Mexico and the Gulf of Mexico, and the north approximately 200 miles north of the Canadian-U.S. border. Everyone’s definition of the borders of Tornado Alley will be different, but mine would be good enough for most people. Tornado season begins in April in Texas and Oklahoma, finishing in July in the extreme northern U.S. and Canada. But you can't be more specific than that about where you will chase more than a few days out.

Of course, tornadoes occur all over the world, and one could argue that nowadays there are more tornadoes in the southeastern U.S. than in Tornado Alley. While that all might be true, and while some people do chase tornadoes outside of Tornado Alley, Tornado Alley’s flat plains, with few trees or buildings, make it especially inviting to chasers due to improved visibility. In fact, I do not recommend that anyone chase outside of Tornado Alley due to safety issues: trees, buildings and hills obscure your vision of the tornado, and visual cues are key to staying a safe distance away from a tornado; and road networks can be sparse and/or not laid out in a grid, and so escape routes from a tornado may be difficult to find or not even exist altogether.

As hinted in the previous paragraph, the peak time for tornado activity travels from south to north as the season wears on. April chases are primarily in Texas, Oklahoma and Arkansas. May chases are primarily in Oklahoma, Kansas and Missouri. June chases are primarily in Colorado, Nebraska and Iowa. July chases are primarily in the Dakotas, Minnesota, and Manitoba. The tornadoes are the most severe in April, but the tornadoes are the most numerous in late May and early June. Most chasers like to chase in May or June, but I know one veteran chaser who hates to chase in May (but still does). There are chasers who will chase year-round, on the rare occasions of tornadoes outside the April through July time-frame, though you’d be hard pressed to find any severe storms in Tornado Alley in November, December, or January. Chasing before April or after August is less rewarding because of earlier sunsets.

Storm chasers are, among other things, weather forecasters. They combine long-range and short-range forecasts to know where to be when to optimize for catching severe storms. The most simple and widely-used long-range forecast tool is the Storm Prediction Center’s Convective Outlook, which predicts where the severe storms will be from 3 to 8 days out. This forecast, combined with others, guides the chaser to where the storms will be on a specific day. Thus, chasers can “position” themselves at the end of one day to be near where the storms will be the next day.

The picture at the top of this post is the SPC Convective Outlook for tornadoes today, June 1, 2011 (this is the early morning one, it might be updated significantly later today, but I like this one because it is a good example). Note that there are two “5%” chance locations for tornadoes (shaded in brown). This means that in these areas there is a 5% chance of a tornado occurring within 25 miles (a 2,000 square mile area) of any given point. Based on this map, a chaser might target Ogallala, Nebraska, though other forecasting models might lead the chaser to a slightly different location. Almost no one is going to chase the northeastern US portion. This is because of the safety issues I referred to previously, and also because chasers are almost never positioned to reach the east coast of the US within several hours of driving time.

Based on this SPC forecast, either it's almost certain there will be at least one tornado in the northeastern US today, or there is a small chance for several tornadoes. The SPC gives more detailed guidance about the nature of the exact threat. And looking at the guidance and other models, I'd say it's the former. The air is amazingly unstable over the northeastern US, with little warmth in the upper layers to prevent storm formation. (For those of you who know what it means, 5000 CAPE and very little cap. Yikes!). According to SPC, these storms should start forming as early as 11am EDT.

Once the chase day begins, SPC plus other shorter range forecasts help the chaser pick a “target area” for the day. Since storms almost always form late in the afternoon, the chaser has the opportunity to travel for several hours to hit the “target area.” Once the “target area” is reached, even shorter range forecasts aide the chaser to get to the area where the storms are expected to form.

For example, on day 1, a chaser may have chased in Limon, CO, but seen that the next day’s storms would be in Kansas City, MO. That night, the chaser might drive to Colby, KS, driving to Kansas City the next day, driving from 10am to 4pm, catching the storms forming at that time.

Finally, I should address the issue of night chasing. Chasing at night can be a LOT of fun. You get your visual cues by watching the storms, including tornadoes, lit up by lightning. It can be very surreal. I’ll address this more when I describe the dangers of storm chasing, but suffice to say you should not start night chasing on your own until you have been on several night chases with someone who is experienced in night chasing.

Next post: The dangers of storm chasing

The Hassles of Storm Chasing: Why Not to Chase

I have many friends who have expressed interest in storm chasing. Some of them are very worried about the danger yet still would like to participate. Others are not worried enough and don’t understand how to do it properly. Still others are simply unsure of how much they’ll enjoy it. In a previous post, I described the joys of storm chasing and why someone would want to storm chase. In this post, I describe the hassles of storm chasing and why someone shouldn’t chase.

On the road:

As I mentioned in my previous post, you will be spending approximately 12 hours per day on the road. Or waiting at truck stops. Or waiting in fast-food restaurants. Don’t chase if this would be difficult for you.

You will most likely find that spending 12 hours per day in a vehicle with someone will strengthen your relationship with them, but it can also put a strain on the relationship. If you know the latter is the case, then don’t chase with that person.

If you're on a tour, sometimes you will get someone who is difficult to deal with. Such behavior can run from whining and complaining to being verbally abusive. None of this has happened to me, as this is not a usual occurrence, but you will have to put up with it if it happens. And, of course, if you tend to be a complainer, try to tone it down when you're on a chase. There'll be a lot for people to complain about, just remember everyone is putting up with something. If you can't keep those thoughts to yourself, then please stay home.

You will primarily eat fast food, many times taking it to go, eating it in your van or car. If you are on a tour, you should assume you will have ZERO time to shop in a large grocery store, though you will have opportunities to shop in gas station or truck stop mini-marts. People with dietary restrictions should take notice of this and decide if you can navigate these restrictions.

You will have limited bathroom breaks even before the storms develop as you race to get into position where the storms should develop. Once the storms develop, you will have *no* bathroom breaks, required to relieve yourself on the side of the road, sometimes in very windy conditions. This can be particularly bad for women, though human shields can work well. If you have incontinence issues, or if you are simply just too modest, then storm chasing will not be for you.

Similarly, the occasional flatulence can occur for anyone without warning. Beano supplements are recommended. And, conversely, if you can't handle the occasional emmination, then don't chase. But this rule applies to ANY long-term vehicle ride.

Those who are carsick prone should not chase. Sudden turns and fast speeds on windy roads are required, so if you have anyone carsick prone you won't have a good chase.

Mobility required:

Nobody with mobility issues should chase. It is very dangerous for you and others if you can’t quickly get in and out of a vehicle in case you need to run away from a storm. Also, it will limit your ability to view storms. I’m sorry, but it just doesn’t work out for people with mobility problems--you’ll have to limit your activities to watching live streaming footage or seeing pictures after the fact.

Lack of physical activity:

Paradoxically, while mobility is required, you will nonetheless get very little physical activity on a storm chase. Remember, 12 hours in a van. Often, you get in to a hotel after the gym closes and leave before it's open. Other times, there is no gym. Jogging early in the morning works, but you must get up very early sometimes to do this. If you are on a regimen where you have to do weight training every day, you should probably skip the chase.

Dangerous:

Storm chasing is dangerous. I’ll address this in a later post, but suffice to say that, although no one has died storm chasing, and although many more activities people engage in are more dangerous, there is an element of danger nonetheless.

Lack of Interest:

Perhaps you’re just not interested in weather. Seeing a tornado is ho-hum. Fair enough, but then you probably didn’t read this post at all.

Conscience:

Finally, chasing may go against your conscience. I get heartsick every time I hear of a tragic story with tornado fatalities, probably because I chase and I feel a greater affinity for victims. Some people don’t like the idea of getting thrills from storms that kill people. If you are one of those people, I have some things to say. First, the storms are not going to kill more people when they are chased. Second, many times chasers are the ones that alert authorities to the storm initially, saving lives. Third, many times chasers help with search and rescue efforts. In other words, chasers don’t make it worse and can often make it better. Therefore, I maintain your conscience should be clear if you chase. But your conscience will dictate, ultimately, if you can chase.

Conclusion:

The point of these posts is to sell my friends and family on the joys of storm chasing, but that means I have an obligation to point out the negative aspects of storm chasing. I know people specifically who shouldn’t go on storm chases because of mobility and other issues listed here. But if, like me, you find these problems simply annoying, then I want to reassure that these mild concerns far outweigh the thrills of storm chasing.

Next Post: Where and When Chasers Chase

The Joys of Storm Chasing: Why Storm Chase?

I have many friends who have expressed interest in storm chasing. Some of them are very worried about the danger yet still would like to participate. Others are not worried enough and don’t understand how to do it properly. Still others are simply unsure of how much they’ll enjoy it. This series of posts will describe, to anyone who hasn’t storm chased before, why (and why not) one would want to storm chase, where and when to storm chase, the dangers of storm chasing and how to avoid them, and, finally, how to begin your first chase.

When I decided to first chase, I simply wanted to see a tornado. I’d been fascinated with tornadoes my whole life, but I didn’t get the bug until I’d seen shows like “Storm Chasers” on the Discovery Channel. To me storm chasing was going to be like whale watching. I went out on a tour, and would go on those tours until I saw a tornado, and then I’d be done, get it out of my system, see a tornado live.

And then, I went on the storm chase.

Beauty:

OMG! I had no idea how beautiful these storms were, with or without tornadoes. The truth is, many of the T.V. shows about tornadoes are just pathetic. They don’t even try to show you the beauty of well-sculpted super cells. Instead, they focus on personal dramas, just like all reality shows do. From “mother ships” to “stacks of plates” to “cow-catchers”, the beauty in the structure of these super cells can never be overstated, can never be fully captured by a camera, can only be seen live.

The lightning is always spectacular. The best part is when the lightning temporarily lights up portions of the storm, and you can piece together, in your mind, the storm’s structure. Searching the horizon for tornadoes during a lightning storm is particularly fun, as you get an adrenalin rush when you spot one.

And the plains, the farmland, the scattered trees, are beautiful with or without storms. A cornfield in bright sunshine with some puffy clouds overhead always makes my day.

Tactility:

The feel of humid air, the feel of a warm breeze or a stiff wind, the feel of wind-blown light rain, the feel of a cold hailstone in your hand, the splinter you got touching a fencepost, all add richness to the experience. And the weather is usually warm but not too hot (low 80’s in the sunshine, 60’s in the rain).

Excitement:

When things do get dicey, there’s an adrenalin rush. On my first tour, we were parked trying to find a rain-wrapped tornado, when all of a sudden the tour guide screamed for us to get into the vehicles. He had special equipment that enabled him to see the tornado, and he discovered, when he screamed, we had about one minute for the tornado was going to hit! Yes, it was a close call, but it was thrilling nonetheless. If such thrills aren’t for you, then don’t go storm chasing, but if they are…

The Tornado Hunt!:

It is thrilling hunting for a tornado that may or may not show up. Hunting for a tornado is the driving force in storm chasing. What’s great is that the hunt is well worth it even if you don’t find a tornado at all! The excitement, the challenge, and the beauty of the storms make the hunt worthwhile. It may seem a contradiction, even a paradox, but while the hunt for the tornado drives the chase, the beauty, challenge, and excitement *make* the chase.

Camaraderie:

Whether you’re on a tour or in a private group, you will probably spend 12 hours a day in a vehicle with other people. This is an opportunity to form great friendships and bonds with people who have a common interest. Storm Chasers are a Community, and the vast majority of them are among the nicest people you will meet.

On the road:

As I said, you can expect to be on the road for 12 hours per day. If you like being on the road, this is a perfect opportunity to see a lot of countryside. Since where you go is dictated by the storms, you won’t know in advance where you’re going, which can make you feel like you’re wandering from town to town, truck stop to truck stop, fast food restaurant to fast food restaurant. If this is something you like, or at least something you are not sure you’d dislike, it is a great way to see the Great Plains.

Forecasting:

It can be fun to learn how to forecast where the tornadoes will be. Once you're advanced enough, you can do this regardless of whether you are navigating or not. If you have an iPad, iPhone, Android, or laptop, you can view forecast models over the web to guess where the storms will develop (you can do this at home, too, without chasing in the field). I did this once so that I was watching a particular location during the day, and while I was watching, tens of storms developed along a dry line across two states. You can also watch the radar and try to correlate it to the visual storm structure you see. Obviously, this is very advanced work, and not required to enjoy the other aspects of storm chasing (as long as you can be on a tour or have a navigator who does this).

Conclusion:

I find storm chasing a blast! Even if there are some things unpleasant about it for you (my next post), seeing mother nature in her fury can be well worth it.

Just go. Go for the curiosity, the potential thrill. And you just might find that you have the eternal bug, that you now have a passion in your life.

Or at least you can tell your friends you witnessed a tornado.

Next post: why NOT to storm chase

The Myth of Set, Osiris and Isis

I am the god Set, bringer of chaos and destruction. I am Entropy. I am the mightiest of all the gods, for it is only I who strengthens all. Order stagnates by its nature. It freezes the lifeblood and slowly cuts off the energy flow in all things. Without me, everything would be frozen in time because it is only through me that time can march on. Pathetic, perfect monuments would be built, and without me they could never be built upon and made grander.

So it is I who is responsible for making all things possible, for making all things great. Without me, even the great Osiris himself would be weak and useless. I HAD MADE HIM STRONG! I SHOULD ALWAYS RULE OVER HIM! HOW DARE HE PLACE HIMSELF ABOVE ME! HOW DARE HE TAKE THE LOVER, ISIS, WHO SHOULD BE MINE!

But it is I, his brother, who had let him down. He had become too powerful, too entrenched in his position, so I endeavored to unmake him as I would allow the ant to be stepped on by the lowliest slave.

Now Osiris loves parties. He is incapable of refusing any single party, as any soft being is. This is one of his pathetic weaknesses. So I used it to my advantage and held a party for him. Everyone got drunk on wine and beer, making all who attended vulnerable.

It was at this time that I brought out a grand sarcophagus. I must admit I had outdone myself, transforming the base wood into carvings of great beauty. It was my spider web to lure one of these drunken, weak flies. Not just any fly but Osiris himself. You see, the measurements of the sarcophagus exactly fit the weak God.

I pretended to be drunk myself, and in a false moment of revelry, I had a slave bring my sarcophagus. I was planning on possessing it for myself, I declared, but it was too small for me. Therefore, I would give it to the one who fit it. In their drunken stupor, no one knew what I was planning.

One by one, the gods at the party, stumbling, spilling wine from the cups they held, placed themselves in the coffin. The first one who wasn’t too tall to fit inside made a death-sound, and everyone roared in laughter. From then on, they all did, even the ones who didn’t fit. I must admit, the whole thing was rather funny, even to me.

It wasn’t long, however, before Osiris, King of the Gods, muscled his way through to the death-chamber. Immediately after placing himself inside, the coffin shut itself and locked, as I had triggered it to do. Everyone roared with laughter. I made a show of trying the lock but to no avail, and sent it off with the slave. I lied that I was sending him to the locksmith, laughing and pretending to be drunk. Everyone thought it was funny, the event of the party.

Instead, 72 of my most loyal slaves had it sealed in lead and thrown into the Nile. Osiris drowned until dead. Imagine, the self-proclaimed King of the Gods dead by simple drowning. Again, pathetic.

Now I took my rightful place as King of the Gods, and I took Isis, our sister, for my wife. Alas, all of the gods bowed before me, seeing the throne as justly mine.

All, that is, except for Isis. She defied me and looked for Osiris’ body.

Isis searched the length, breadth and depth of the Nile but to no avail. She then searched the Nile delta, and finally the sea that you now call Mediterranean, but, again, to no avail. Figuring that it may have been stolen, she asked around until she had heard the story of how the coffin had settled on the coast of Byblos, an area that you now call Lebanon. It was embedded in the trunk of a cedar tree that was subsequently used as a pillar to support a palace for the King of that state. Isis, getting permission that she didn’t have to get from the Queen of Byblos, retrieved the coffin from the pillar.

Isis then took Osiris’ body and placed it in the house of the gods in Egypt. She cast a spell and through the spell was impregnated by Osiris, though he was dead. The child was called Horus, and was hid on an island that was hidden even to me.

All of this I would not have known about, but Isis got greedy, and one of her disloyal slaves told me that she and my brother, Thoth, betrayer, had conspired to bring Osiris back to life. Thoth, god of magick, delved into his magick and created the Ritual of Life, which gives everlasting life after death. He put the spell into his Book of Shadows, which is known to you as the lost Book of Thoth. The ritual required that Thoth rebuild Osiris body so that his spirit would recognize it and rejoin him.

I arrived to interrupt the spell just in time. I stole Osiris’ body, and this time I carved it up into 14 pieces, 13 for each of the possible moons for the year, with the final piece being his genitals. I hid all 13 pieces throughout Egypt, and then ate the genitals for good measure. I was sure Osiris could never be resurrected.
But now that Isis and Thoth had defied me, others did, too. They all conspired against me without my knowledge. Nephthys, my sister, quested to find one piece at a time, with Thoth casting a spell on each part, until all the 13 pieces were gathered. From these pieces and my betrayal, Thoth replaced the lunar calendar from the solar calendar. From the 13 pieces, he used 12 pieces of the lunar calendar, which comprised 360 days. The other piece, imbued with 1/72nd of the moon’s light, due to my 72 slaves that killed Osiris. 1/72nd of 360 equals 5, and so 5 days is added to the calendar of 360 days to make 365.

Anubis, god of the underworld, sewed the pieces back together, embalmed him, and then cast Thoth’s Ritual of Life, with gold genitals, molded by Isis, standing in for the genitals that I had eaten.

When I heard of this, I was furious, but I was calmed down when I learned he was still among the dead and could not live. Anubis had stepped aside, and Osiris had become Lord of the Dead.

But even with Osiris out of the picture, I had to deal with Horus, for as Osiris’ son, he has a rightful claim to the throne. But Horus defeated all of the demons that I sent to kill him. The defiant Isis and Thoth, once again, defied me, as they both gave Horus great magick, including a magickal knife, to defeat me.

And that was my undoing. Horus and I fought for many days, but with the magick of my betrayers, he defeated me. And with his magick knife, he cut off my testicles.

But I would not give up my throne, despite Horus’ rightful claim. We fought a glorious civil war among the gods, and though I was not defeated, my allies betrayed me by submitting to arbitration with the council of Neith. They declared Horus King of the Gods, and he cast me out into the darkness.

But the darkness only strengthened me. I can bring the darkness, the chaos and destruction, into daily life. For it is only through strife, when the strong survive, that all can become greater than before. I cannot rule forever, it seems, try as I might. Darkness comes and darkness recedes. When I bring dark times, those times teach us all lessons from which a new strength is reborn. Even I am subject to the lessons of dark times. My defeat at the hands of Horus only served to strengthen my resolve and take my rightful place in the darkness. I am the source of darkness, chaos and destruction. And that is where I belong.

The Hanged Man

I am shaman. I am Iowa.
I endure in the midst of death.
I whore myself to false leaders.
I live in squalor on the outside.
I ignore the wickedness of people.

The Gagon came and slaughtered my people,
While I watched and did nothing.
The white man came and slaughtered them,
While I watched and did nothing.
More white men came and slaughtered them,
While I watched and did nothing.

I did nothing so I could listen to the land.
I did nothing so I could listen to the stones.
I did nothing so I could listen to the plants.
I did nothing so I could listen to the wind.

I did nothing so that I could survive to treat vain and wicked people of their self-inflicted illnesses.

But I will endure one more day.
For perhaps tomorrow I will find one person, just one person,
That I can redeem.

Because only then will my mission in this life be complete.
Until then,
I am weary.
I am sad.
I am miserable.
I am pathetic.
I am shaman.

And I doubt if such a person actually exists.
And that is my true nightmare.